BREAKING: CDC Issues Recall of that Sandwich You Bought at 3 A.M.

Reports are slowly trickling in of another possible E. coli outbreak. Though local hospitals, clinics, and medical facilities have reported no admissions of persons with E. coli, it is still believed you have it. The source, according to the Center for Disease Control, is that sandwich you bought at 3 in the morning last night from that deli on 11th Street. Continue reading →

What If Chickens Were the Size of Horses?

If chickens were the size of horses they’d beat the shit out of us. They’d be strutting around as usual, then flail their wings and uncontrollably peck at our eyes while we checked Instagram. They wouldn’t eat bird seed or corn or salami. They would eat small children and Volkswagens and the President of the United States because when a chicken is pissed, it is FUCKIN pissed, man. Continue reading →

Taco Bell to Begin Just Scooping Things Into Your Hands

Doritos. Fried chicken. Eggs. All of these have served as vehicles for Taco Bell’s fixins, from their wrapper…to your belly. As Taco Bell becomes synonymous for its inventive creations, their fans wonder what they could possibly do next to top themselves. Today, we learned of Taco Bell’s next promotion and get ready, because it has absolutely nothing to do with taco shells–unless you count your hands when they’re shaped like one! Continue reading →

Eating Alone is the New Ayahuasca

Spiritual awakenings can measure anywhere between “I am tiny, yet vast” to “This tea fuckin’ tastes like shit!” Ayahuasca ceremonies have been at the forefront of those seeking to achieve inner peace and perspective. However, in remote valleys, and large cities around the nation, one method of awakening is really taking its practitioners by storm: Eating Alone. Continue reading →

Whole Foods to Begin Accepting Family Heirlooms as Payment

On the heels of its recent acquisition by Amazon, Whole Foods is making headlines once again. Fully aware of its pricing, Whole Foods decided to appeal to consumers in a more unique way, by accepting family heirlooms and possessions as payment.

“We realize our prices are set in a way that dictates the market for all this bullshit. Dried fruit and organic beans are expensive, but that doesn’t mean poor bitches shouldn’t be able to buy it,” said this lady we e-mailed at the corporate HQ for Whole Foods. Continue reading →