The following post is merely the opinion of our Editor-in-Chief who, let’s face it, has been a bit more crankier than usual ever since Taco Bell decided to remove the Double Decker Taco from their menu.
The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema is an American chain of theaters made popular by enforcing strict rules for shutting the fuck up during movies (they’ll kick you out if you don’t oblige). The theaters are also known for their full menu of items including boozy drinks. It’s no wonder why they’ve become the preferred choice of moviegoers in this modern era of films. However, after years of research (read: a couple of hours of Googling) we can’t think of a dumber idea than Alamo’s business model.
The advent of streaming has forced movie theaters to offer more. Alamo Drafthouse, and similar chains, nail this with their rules for being quiet and reserved seating. However, a full menu of food you most definitely should not eat in a dark movie theater is an idea that’s about as well thought out as silverware for dogs. Let’s run down some of the risks associated with this experience:
1. For starters, this is a movie theater, not a restaurant. Maybe a trough of buffalo wings with a mug of blue cheese on the side is not the best idea when the lights are completely turned down and we’re settled into a cushy seat, and with a table that is half the size of a 7th-grade classroom desk.
2. A complimentary poncho would be nice considering we’re in a pitch-black theater and about to indulge in a bowl of drippy queso while John Wick stabs someone’s dick. I’m no genius, but if these movie theaters don’t team up with the local dry cleaners to completely wipe us out then it’s a lost opportunity.
Going to the movies is a blast, but it should always be about the movie right? So why cram our faces with cheeseburgers, hot dogs, or chicken tikka masala only to collapse into a food coma right after?
3. Going to the movies is a blast, but it should always be about the movie right? So why cram our faces with cheeseburgers, hot dogs, or chicken tikka masala only to collapse into a food coma right after? I prefer not to fall asleep during Act 2 and risk not knowing why Jonah Hill is suddenly jetpacking next to a flock of pterodactyls.
4. And finally, it was bad enough having to listen to someone behind us crunch into a plastic tray of nachos or a Shaq-sized bucket of popcorn throughout the entire movie. But now? We gotta listen to some mouthbreathing Bigfoot work his way through a 4-cheese mac ‘n cheese bowl with a Caesar salad on the side. MUSH MUSH CRUNCH CRUNCH No thank you!!
So like, how ‘bout we quit with the gimmicks and go back to just showing movies with candy and popcorn. I’m afraid of losing another shirt because of a mustard mishap during the climactic conclusion of Thor 7: The Battle for the Golden Pasta.