NATION IN CRISIS: We Are Running Out of Things to Milk!

all kinds of milk

Almonds, soy, cashews, oats, hemp, rice, coconut, flax, and then of course there’s cows’ and goats’ and raccoons’ milk. Yes–America has a love for milk and sadly, we’ve arrived at a nationwide crisis.

The infatuation of holding something in place and squeezing milk from it is a story as old as time. Americans, though, can’t get enough and seem to have exhausted its resources. No matter how many documentaries are produced, ad campaigns are created, or speeches are made at the Oscars, we can’t seem to stop. It’s an inconvenient truth, if you will, to know that at the rate we are currently going, we will run out of things to draw milk from.

 

The infatuation of holding something in place and squeezing milk from it is a story as old as time. Americans, though, can’t get enough and seem to have exhausted its resources. 

 

Big Milk and the corporations involved, for their part, have refuted the science and data that back up these claims. On more than a few occasions we have heard CEOs dispel the notion that we, as a consuming public, are causing harm. Most, if not all, of the CEOs of the major milk companies, have declined to comment on the issue. In an interview with 60 Minutes from 2013, though, Thulliver Horncunt, who oversees the parent company in charge of rice milk had this to say:

“We’re just giving people what they want. That has always been the underlying mission of capitalism and a free market economy. Consumers have desires and we are fulfilling them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go devour my first-born child and absorb the platelets in his blood to stay young forever.”

Governments have attempted to legislate the tremendous amount of sources being exhausted for milk, but to no avail. While the general public continues its mass consumption of milk yanked from a variety of sources, there appears to be no slowing down. Along with the current selection, expect milk to hit store shelves from the following sources: sweet potatoes, kangaroos, crickets, Gushers, pigeons, nails, Nissan Sentras, porcupines, corn, and barley–all in the name of satisfying a ravenous desire that cannot be quelled.

Some organizations have offered alternatives, namely the notion that an individual doesn’t need as much milk in their diet as they portend, but alas, the tidal wave cannot be stopped…

Photo by Daniela Diaz

Do you like milk from things? Comment below and let us know!

About NOSHKONG

A food blog. Kinda.

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