Hummus…garbanzo beans, tahini, lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper. It sounds so simple and delicious. So why do all of your buddies call you a “bitch” for asking the bartender if they have any? Why do your co-workers at the construction site ask if you’re getting your nails done this weekend when you pack it for lunch?? And why does your girlfriend insist on slathering it on your penis in order to give you fellatio???
Well rest easy, bro. There’s a new way to hummus and it’s guaranteed to not emasculate you.
It’s HIMmus, the only hummus formulated and packaged for dudes like you.
HIMmus is loaded with the same flavors you pop a boner for when you eat traditional hummus. The smooth and creamy textures of HIMmus are made with real tahini we stole from the Israeli army, plus protein-packed garbanzo beans that are hand smashed by Simon Martirosyan, an Armenian Gold Medalist from the 2019 World Weightlifting Championships.
Then, we add garlic that’s been grown in a nursery by a buncha nerds who infused it with HGH, splash a sploosh of lemon juice from a breed of lemon called “Typhoon Blood”, and finally, hit it with a little salt and pepper.
HIMmus is available in 3 varieties: “Original”, “Hair on Your Chest Spicy”, and “I’m Not a Bitch–I’m a MAN!” Each are available in tubs the size of paint buckets and are specially packaged with black labels that have lightning bolts, vikings, and motorcycles on them so there is no mistake that you are a Bro, bro.
Say goodbye to daintily plunging a baby carrot into run-of-the-mill hummus, and say hello to HIMmus.
HIMmus: Quit Snackin’ Like a Bitch!
Art by: Christopher J. Sorrentino