Avocado Kills Man; Two Arrested

angry avocado

Roger Fulton, 41, of Danbury, Connecticut was fatally stabbed last night. The culprit is believed to be an avocado that Fulton accused of being underripe, notes witnesses. The altercation took place at the home of Fulton a little past 10 p.m.

The night began at a nearby sports bar, Icons. Fulton, along with friends Melvin Boggs and Timmy Sellers, stopped in for a few pitchers of beer and food at around 3 p.m. The three spent the next few hours getting intoxicated, singing along to songs, and shouting statements, such as “I am the wolf and I will lick my own balls if I want to!” according to Samantha Lopez, their waitress.

“Yeah, they were a loud bunch, but we’re used to that here. At one point, one of them asked if I was cole slaw ‘cuz I’d look good on the side. I didn’t understand that. Then he asked me for my e-mail address. I didn’t give it to him.”

So far, law enforcement has been unable to pin the crime on the avocado, which has been brought in for questioning.

As the night progressed, one of Fulton’s friends dared him to bite into a whole avocado. They insisted Lopez bring a whole avocado to their table. They assured her they’d pay whatever she needed to charge them for it, but Lopez involved the bar manager, Patrick Lyons. Lyons agreed to bring the avocado. Fulton attempted his bite, created a mess, and while successful in biting the avocado, was endlessly teased for the size of the bite by his friends. At this point, Fulton, in a rage, boomed that the avocado was underripe, or else the bite would’ve been bigger. As Lopez rolled her eyes, the group settled their bill.

Fulton and his friends left the bar, and arrived at Fulton’s residence before 10 p.m. According to neighbors, there were shouts coming from Fulton’s house, which then subsided. It is unknown what time his two friends vacated the residence, but a call to police was made at 2:30 a.m. Cops arrived on the scene shortly after where they found Fulton unconscious, and an avocado with a knife nearby, and a note that said, “The avocado did this”.

So far, law enforcement has been unable to pin the crime on the avocado, which has been brought in for questioning. The knife has been sealed for evidence, along with a note on Fulton’s fridge that reads “I hate my friends so much” and a receipt from Murderin’ Knives, a nearby store specializing in cutlery. The receipt was found in the pocket of Boggs’ jacket.

A full investigation is underway.

 

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About NOSHKONG

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