Hey! Makin’ a sandwich? Looks like you’re about to dip your knife in some bullshit, weak-ass mayonnaise. Well, stop. You don’t deserve that poor excuse for a sandwich spread. For the love of Satan’s dong, grab a jar of Slayonnaise, and slam that shit on your roast beef, forever casting away the feeble globs of ordinary mayonnaise!
Slayonnaise is made with top of the line ingredients by people listening to Slayer, so you know it’s legit. There’s eggs (probably) and oil, and uh, y’know, shit you make mayonnaise with! For fuck’s sake, once you start slathering it on, you’re gonna wanna eat it by the spoonful right out of the jar. We love our Dark Lord, Satan, and is there any better condiment to have in Hell than fuckin’ mayonnaise? No, there isn’t. Mayonnaise equals eternal damnation, we always say.
So how exactly does it taste? Glad you asked, nerd. It tastes like the silky soul of demonic lust, forever trapped in the eyes of Beezlebub. It tastes like the brain-melt drips of a freshly delivered cadaver to the funeral parlor. It tastes like ten-thousand yards of bubbling skin that a 7-month old infant is slowly crawling along as his mother is trapped in a cage made of plexiglass with one hole to breathe through! It tastes…like suffering! IT TASTES LIKE MAYONNAISE!!
Slayonnaise is for the darkly curious and the curiously dark minds of the world. It prides itself on not just the high likelihood it will make you gag, but on the possibility that maybe, just maybe, you will cross over to the other side on your first bite.
Experience the turbulent rivers of death and disease the way your favorite thrash metal band has for decades. Experience Slayonnaise!!