If you’re thinking of making out with your uncooked turkey this year, the Federal Drug Administration has a message for you: DON’T.
For some, Thanksgiving carries with it a tradition that is comparable to watching football on the couch or indulging in leftovers the next day, and that tradition has always brought along with it a bit of danger. Shoving your tongue in the body cavity of an uncooked turkey has consequences the FDA says, and they’ve issued their annual warning against it.
A message on the FDA website reads:
We HIGHLY advise against making oral contact with a raw, uncooked turkey using your tongue, while fondling other areas of the carcass. You will not only become susceptible to diseases like salmonella, but no one will find it funny. You are not Will Ferrell. We repeat: you are not Will Ferrell. Will is a seasoned actor and comedian who may have faded from the landscape in recent years, but it is not your job to perpetuate the spirit of his humor, which let’s face it, is mostly for a set of white frat boys who should’ve aged out of the bars they like to hang out at by now. Once again, DO NOT MAKE OUT WITH AN UNCOOKED TURKEY WHILE FONDLING OTHER AREAS OF THE CARCASS.
In recent years, a spike in incidents reported at hospitals on Thanksgiving has indicated a rise in the activity of making out with an uncooked turkey. Most of those admitted are between the ages of 33 – 54, Caucasian, and insist they did it because they thought it was funny, and not because they are holding on for dear life to a comedic persona that the rest of the nation has moved on from. In one instance, a patient was required to amputate his testicles after taking it a little too far.
If you decided that making out with an uncooked turkey is something you are unable to resist, the FDA has also posted the following rules for doing so:
- Consider wearing a dental dam, in order to prevent direct contact with raw turkey.
- Perhaps attempt to make out with a turkey that’s been cooked, but that has cooled down, and with the permission of everyone at your dinner table.
- Consider other forms of comedy for Thanksgiving. There are plenty of other great, safe options, such as puns or pretending you are Godzilla and your food is a city.
- Will Ferrell is an actor. He wouldn’t find what you’re doing funny. Even he wouldn’t do what you’re doing in real life. Will trained for years and learned the value of timing, but also possesses a rare talent of comedic quintessence. You do not have either of those. You are an aging white dude in the Midwest who should consider AA or simply grow up. And for God’s sake, would it kill you to put on shoes instead of Crocs? It’s Thanksgiving.
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