It started with stomach cramps. It progressed into violent diarrhea. And before Roger Schneider, age 41, knew it, he was keeling over the toilet, sick with what he was sure was salmonella.
Schneider, a recently divorced father of 4, began to simultaneously feel the chills and the sweats as he tucked into his couch watching a Scrubs rerun. His alimony payments often leave him with very few dining options, and because of Schneider’s lack of motivation to learn how to cook for himself, he is often reaching for affordable cans of porous mush for meals.
This past Tuesday, Schneider admitted himself to St. Anus Hospital with what he insisted was salmonella. He crawled in on all fours and yelled at nurses and, according to one staff member, yelled, “Call the news and let everyone know I’m a hero for preventing this outbreak!!” Schneider, according to witnesses, then dove on to a hospital cot and writhed around, clutching his stomach, and then ran to a sink and took a poop in it.
When doctors concluded their tests, it turned out to be nothing more than Schneider consuming three cans of Spaghetti-O’s, with no traces of salmonella to be found.
Said Dr. Fofofofo, “Yeah, we get this all the time. Some guy who lives alone with no family decides to stuff his emotions with cheap food, then he gets sick and needs attention, and he comes in here hoping for some sort of validation of his life turning out the way it did as a result of something beyond his control, but y’know, we’re all responsible for the decisions we make so I don’t know, maybe lay off the fuckin’ Spaghetti-O’s dude? I mean, I missed my daughter’s birthday party because of this guy.”
“We know Mr. Schneider,” said a spokesperson for Spaghetti-O’s. “He’s attempted this a dozen times now. He knows our product is unkind on digestive systems, and yet, he continues to shovel it in and conjure up a salmonella scare. Kinda sad, actually.”
The spokesperson insisted on moderating your intake of Spaghetti-O’s. As for Roger Schneider, he could not be reached for comment, however, a quote from his online dating profile reads, “I just want someone to cuddle with at night instead of masturbating to that Orange is the New Black show.”
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