Jason Burp lives in Columbus, Ohio. He watches his favorite sports teams, owns a Boston terrier named Tootsie, works at a cybersecurity firm, and oh yeah, he never shuts the fuck up about his cast iron skillet.
What began as an innocent purchase based on Internet research, has become an obsession of Mr. Burp. On any given day, he will find a reason to bring up his cast iron skillet, whether to co-workers, friends, on dates, even to the cashiers and associates at the stores he frequents. In one instance, Burp was politely escorted out of a Bed, Bath & Beyond for lingering by the cast iron skillets and pestering customers.
“I don’t think he means any harm, but like, dude, shut the fuck up about the cast iron skillet already, OK,” remarked Stephanie Mephanie, a neighbor of Jason’s. “I’m standing outside sometimes, just thinking about the shit I need to get done, and ol’ Cast Iron Jason comes walking up to tell me about the mac and cheese he made in his stupid skillet. Dude’s got a serious problem.”
Many people close to Jason suggest the obsession with his cast iron skillet stems from an episode of a Bobby Flay show where the cookware was featured prominently. Others, though, offer that Jason suffers from delusions of grandeur.
“I think it’s plain to see that Jason believes that with his cast iron skillet, he is able to accomplish anything. He’ll insist he can make fish, steak, pork chops, even a lasagna, and this is troublesome. Everyone knows the edges of the noodles would burn,” said Patrick Wind, a renowned kitchen psychologist.
Jason’s affliction for his cast iron skillet is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, a gigantic number of amateur chefs and home cooks have stood by the endless possibilities of the skillet. Some have suggested they add flavor to the food, while others simply choose a cast iron skillet as a means to overcompensate for a lack of masculinity.
“I get it. It’s cooking with something they used in the 1850’s or whatever. Still doesn’t make you any more or less of a man. How about paying your child support instead of 25 posts on Instagram of the short rib ragout you made?” said Jason’s ex-wife Tanya Hiccup.
Jason refused to comment for this story, but has posted on his social media a number of posts suggesting that his cast iron skillet would never cheat on him, never hide his kids from him, and that if you don’t use a cast iron skillet to make food then you are living your life wrong.
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