The shady gas stations of America are slowly disappearing, making way for gas stations of the future that feature organic snacks and high-priced candy. However, that shady gas station on 12th Street is hanging on. And as the neighborhood kicks out the poor in favor of twenty-somethings whose parents pay their rent, there remains a bit of charm in the shady gas station. Let’s take a look!
Shelves of Dusty Bags of Chips
Begin your meal with any number of bags of chips that have been collecting dust. They’ve been sitting around so long that some are promoting Phantom Menace in theaters. You can’t go wrong with a brand that is so unfamiliar, you wonder if these were made in this country. And then, settle on a flavor that combines two flavors into one explosion of sodium.
Suggested item: Pecker Bros. Garlic Jalapeno BBQ Corn Chips
Fluorescent Colored Beverages
A fine selection of energy drinks, sports drinks, and flavored malt liquors are constantly in rotation at the shady gas station on 12th Street. Once you step past the grizzled individual begging for change, there awaits a bevy of choices in colors designed to question your vision. And every beverage comes in a flavor that not only doesn’t exist, but also sounds like it was invented in an improv class 20 minutes ago.
Suggested item(s): For adults, go for Coachella Blast Malt Liquor by Goon Toons. For adults and/or children, a full selection of Rocket Brain energy drinks are available and the flavors to grab are Sno-Cone Freakout or Diabetic Shmiabetic.
Wall o’ Jerky
Every good meal deserves a tasty entree packed with protein and nitrites. Your heart not only deserves to pound, but it should also scream for salvation, and at the shady gas station on 12th Street, that’s exactly what you’ll get from their selection of jerky. There’s the usual Slim Jims and bagged brands, but for a real treat, go exotic. There’s jerky of all kinds including products made with meats from wolves, llamas, squirrels and other animals you can’t keep as pets.
Suggested item: Happy Zoo-brand Platypus Jerky (Teriyaki) or Victoria Secret’s Rosewater-flavored Veal Jerky.
Individually Wrapped Sugar Timebombs
The final stop on your trip to the shady gas station on 12th Street is not the candy aisle, where you will find all your childhood favorites available only in King Sizes. No, it is the wire racks featuring individually wrapped cakes. Marvel at the selection of sweets that claim to be freshly baked, but are nothing more than sugar puddy preserved with FDA-approved preserving gel. You can really feel the goo on your fingers with each pinch of pound cake. And don’t forget to scope the fine selection of little pies and doughnuts manufactured in Rahway, New Jersey–the Capital of Manufactured Desserts!
Suggested item: Plum-filled Danish by Honkin’ Dick Bakery; Mama Cancer’s Powdered Sugar Doughnut Needles; or a shady gas station classic, Frosted Crumbless Muffins.