Autumn means a lot of things. It’s the season where the leaves change color, the weather cools down, summer flings become STD scares, and, of course, squash. Acorn and butternut lead the way during the harvest, but did you know there are other varieties of squash this season worth your time? Check out this list, boss!
Toilet Bowl Squash
A peculiar squash that gets its name for being the same shape and size of a traditional household toilet bowl. You’ll find these oversized squash growing in the fields of Northeastern Pennsylvania. Once harvested, they are prepared by smashing a 4-foot sledgehammer through its outer layer and collecting the hailstorm of flesh and seeds that rain down. Serve with butter.
An odd variety of squash with flesh that resembles the taste of marshmallow. Some have claimed that eating this squash boosts your immune system, while others have inexplicably died from cholera after eating it. Kinda strange how both ends of the spectrum are represented here. Serve with butter.
Oscar Isaac Squash
No telling what this squash may bring to the table. Each Oscar Isaac squash is unique from the other. Some may be brooding, with a complex flavor that is delivered in layers, while others are jaunty and do well in supporting the meal as a side dish. And yet, the Oscar Isaac squash maintains a consistency in performance with few exceptions during the harvest. It’s a wonder this squash hasn’t been rewarded for its efforts but Squash Awards are mostly political and have little to do with taste. Serve with butter.
This is a squash that is an offspring of acorn squash. It understands it is a squash and it retains the values that acorn squashes have established throughout all squash culture, however, it often prevents itself from truly enjoying the qualities of being a squash, and often feels guilty for deriving satisfaction in being a squash. Serve with butter.
How don’t you know about this squash? I mean, honestly, after all it has done for you. You’re such an asshole for not knowing Narcissist squash. It’s like, only the biggest and most important squash in the world. Idiot. Serve with butter.
UH DUHHH UH DOY OY DUHHHH Squash
This is a squash that lacks common sense and has no direction in squash life. It just kinda meanders on the vine, mooching off other squash, and when it’s time to harvest this squash, it acts like a complete baby. Serve with butter.
This squash acknowledges its mortality. That is all. Serve with butter.
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