For centuries, civilizations would rotate whole pigs on a spit over a fire, slow-cooking the sweet meat in a style that became more commonly known as rotisserie cooking. Fast forward to modern times and 7-Eleven has put their own twist on rotisserie with rollers upon rollers of hot food in cylindrical forms. There’s no open fire, no food on spits, and no sweet meats, but hot damn, there is an opportunity to gorge on a banquet fit for a king. And for one day, we decided to sit on the throne.
For no real reason other than desperately needing to fill a hole that was created while sitting with our thoughts one afternoon, we decided to try one of everything off the 7-Eleven rollers. Here’s a rundown of how our day went:
- Our first course was a classic “Big Bite” hot dog with all the fix-ins: mustard, onions, relish, and some other indiscriminate condiments sitting in pools of liquid in stainless steel pails. Quite a tasty treat!
- We then decided to spice things up with an Italian sausage, however, the only indication this food was Italian was the way it made us feel like a small man was jumping through our intestines, like Super Mario. Shit, it’s gonna be a long day…
- Next came a parade of taquitos and boy oh boy, are we getting nauseous. In all, 7-Eleven offers seven different varieties of taquitos and at this particular location, we had our choice of 5. We ate all 5 because we like to punish ourselves as a form of self-sabotage instead of simply walking away from a potentially threatening situation.
- Taco & Cheese: this seemed innocent enough until we had trouble identifying exactly what kind of cheese these are made with. It also manages to take on 3 out 4 phases of matter–liquid, solid, and plasma, with gas sure to come later in the day.
- Buffalo chicken: this whole idea was a mistake and we want our moms to come save us.
- Monterrey Jack & Chicken: no seriously, we are in pain. This wasn’t worth it. Help. Help us. We are going to the hospital.
- We are in the ER. There is a man here doubling over in pain and screaming the words to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”. There is a woman here, too, and her skin is the color of guacamole. Oh God…guacamole…can’t think of food…
- It’s been 3 hours. Please…please…make it stop…
- We are being kept overnight. The doctors are stumped as to what is festering in our digestive systems.
- OK, so–we’re gonna need to start a GoFundMe. We are being charged about 4,000 dollars for this diagnosis and treatment. We opted against surgery. We would rather take our chances than pay these bills.
- We are in the pockets of the healthcare companies. They are controlling the narrative. They are in bed with the corporate execs and keeping their foot on the necks of the middle and lower classes. They will defeat us with cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, dizziness, and bloating.
- We’ve been discharged and we are going home. We’ve lost a few pounds and we now realize the name 7-Eleven comes from the amount of weight you’ll lose from the food poisoning you’ll endure. It is also the amount in thousands our final hospital bills came to.
- We just realized we never got around to trying the last 2 varieties of taquito. Or that weird hot dog-shaped hamburger that looks like doody. Oh Thank Heaven.
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