The 7 Must-Have Kitchen Thingies You Will Only Use Once

Buy these things ASAP!

1. Some Weird Surgical Looking Instrument – Hey, look at this thing that you can inject into food and accomplish some sort of task with! You can poke and prod at raw meats of varying animals and achieve a cooking accomplishment. This is what you need in your drawer right this second if you want to impress someone.

2. Boingy Boingy! – It goes boing and then it goes boing again and then when all is said and done, you can keep boinging and boinging until all the boings have been worked through your recipe. You never know when you’ll need to boing the absolute shit outta something, y’know?

3. Mini Citrus Hacksaw – This thing has jagged teeth and you can jam it into a grapefruit and you can watch all the pulp fly in your eyeballs and you can shriek into the sky and you can take it out of the grapefruit and you can stab it into a picture of a skyline you have on the fridge and you can thrash about like a confused animal!

4. What in the World? – Is this a mallet of some sort? It looks like a mallet except it has pointy things jutting out of it on one side. Also, why is it looking at me that way? Screw you, mallet. I won’t be intimidated by you! Ohh ohh, you’re a big fuckin’ tough guy mallet who smashes things, but look at me, I have opposable thumbs and I can smash your existence into oblivion, too.

5. A Spoon, but Like, Kinda Bigger Than a Regular Spoon and This One Is Made of Something Unlike Other Spoons…Like Some Sort of Porcelain? – I don’t know. I suppose buy this spoon? Get rid of all other spoons?

6. Spatula Bird – It’s a spatula, but it’s in the shape of a bird. Not really sure what kinda bird this is. I wanna say pelican. It’s a cute spatula and it looks like you can buy it on vacation in some place like Key West.

7. Can Opener Gun – It opens cans and it spurs nationwide debates. What more do you want from this handy, lil’ gadget? Seamlessly pop open your sad Beefaroni dinner on Wednesday nights alone in your basement apartment, and then protect that same apartment. It’s the future Ben Franklin imagined while drunkenly grabbing women!

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