General Mills, the makers of the popular cereal Lucky Charms, has good news for both adults and children of the The Church of Satan. Scarlet pentagrams will be joining the marshmallow lineup! The cereal known for red balloons, green clovers, pink hearts, purple horseshoes, orange stars, yellow moons, and rainbows, will now welcome scarlet pentagrams to the box.
Members of the Church of Satan have refrained from going on record to celebrate the decision or to express any emotion, instead opting to attend book festivals in all black clothing. However, as one member of the Church posted on Facebook: ““We’re people just like anyone else and we love our frosted Lucky Charms for breakfast. I’m happy my children will now feel included. That is, my children of Satan–our serpent Lord of demons, my dark prince who hath lead us to promise and sin.!”
Upon hearing the news, Christian groups have nearly imploded. Some have planned to boycott General Mills, while others have made cute signs with Bible verses, and yet others, with little to no control over their emotions, have simply jumped off buildings or stabbed themselves in the eyes.
“Yeah, that’s pretty fucked up,” said some guy walking out of the General Mills offices. “I think it’s pretty cool Lucky Charms will have a pentagram marshmallow, though. Like, why not? They eat breakfast don’t they? Or is it just like pig heads and sacrificing virgins and shit? I don’t know. I gotta go fill these vending machines for my route. Good talking to ya.”
The first commercial to feature the scarlet pentagram marshmallow has already debuted online. It features Lucky the Leprechaun descending upon a candlelit tunnel as deep chants in Latin are echoed throughout. He finds the band Goatwhore conducting a ritual of Satanic worship. In the next scene Lucky is prepared to be the sacrificed, but not before he shows the band his bowl of frosted Lucky Charms with the new scarlet pentagram marshmallow. The screen goes black.
The scarlet pentagram will make its way into boxes of Lucky Charms this fall.