NASA to Announce Discovery of Pumpkin Spice on Mars

On Tuesday, NASA plans to make a huge announcement to the public regarding recent findings by its Curiosity rover. The exploration vehicle, which has been on the red planet since August 2012, has been gathering samples of Mars’ terrain for closer examination. One of its most recent samples, though, is quite enlightening. Pumpkin spice, the popular and wildly underwhelming flavor that appears every Autumn in America, has been discovered on Mars.

Curiosity found pumpkin spice while scooping samples of Martian sand and rocks in the Zabriskie Plateau. “There’s no question this is pumpkin spice,” said Linda Seattlepants, a leading scientist at NASA who’s been monitoring Curiosity since January. “Preliminary evidence shows all signs that this is pumpkin spice and like, OMG, can you believe it’s that time of year again??? I frikkin’ LOVE pumpkin spice. Lattes bitches!!”

This may be the strongest indication yet of previous life on Mars. Earlier discoveries indicated the possibility of microbial life in craters that may have contained water. However, with this discovery, it’s entirely possible of other life forms inhabiting the Red Planet. Scientists can’t say for sure what forms that life took, but they are not ruling out white women in their 20’s and 30’s.

“Oh for sure,” said Vanessa Interesting, another leading scientist at NASA. “I mean, we can’t make any declarations, but the discovery of pumpkin spice is very indicative of previous life on Mars. And judging by the uh-mazing way the planet is decorated, it was definitely my sorority sisters. DELTA GAMMA WOO!!”

Mike Dickface, a former NASA administrator, publicly commented on the discovery from his home in Fuckface Lake, New Hampshire: “While the discovery of pumpkin spice on Mars is exciting, we need to temper our expectations. It is entirely possible that this is nothing more than inaccurate science. As is often the case, we become excited by Autumn and with it, it’s pumpkin spice offerings. However, one must question if it is pumpkin spice we are truly anticipating, or if it’s simply a Pavlovian effect of warding off the dread associated with an oncoming winter and the loss of daylight.”

On Tuesday, we may receive more answers to big questions about Mars. In the meantime, the wonders of Mars continue to amaze us, while the many, many, almost excessive items flavored with pumpkin spice continue to roll out to supermarkets.

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