Team Owners Seek to Rename Monsanto Stadium After Learning What They Do

For the Schenectady Pepsi’s, life as a minor league baseball team is pretty great. The summers in upstate NY are seasonably cool and the fans are ultra supportive, even going so far as to begin a tradition where every player gets to have a slumber party in the prison.

However, the home of the Pepsi’s has raised some eyebrows lately. It seems as if Monsanto Stadium, named for its primary sponsor, has led some to believe a name change should be in the works.

“Welp,” commented team owner Lester Dingding, “it would appear as if Monsanto ain’t quite the company we imagined them to be when we sold the naming rights. We did a bunch of Googling and read some websites that had what could be considered damaging information about the company. All sorts of wild things from chemically preserving food to ignoring the side effects of food dyes to murdering journalists who attempt to get the truth out about the company.”

The discovery of Monsanto’s underhanded policies has forced everyone in Schenectady to question whether or not the stadium should keep its name, or switch to something more appropriate like Betty Crocker Ball Park or Pepperidge Farm Field. It’s certainly provided some food for thought and no, we’re not talking about the delicious offerings of the many companies that are under the Monsanto corporate umbrella.

While the naming rights may be put to a vote next November (currently the measure is being reviewed by some guy in a government office who everyone calls “Mike the Machine”), the revelations that Monsanto is Satan incarnate has shocked many.

“I had no idea Monsanto was responsible for things like mutant babies and food that turns your brain into a puddle of Aunt Jemima syrup,” said Shirley, a Schenectady local. “It’s kinda like you have no idea when you’re even eating Monsanto food and that’s scary.”

As a small city awaits the fate of their stadium, one thing is certain: the time-honored tradition of minor league baseball in the summer is no match for the equally time-honored tradition of a corporately-controlled food supply. And that’s something to think about for Schenectady locals, who will no doubt sip their Lipton iced tea, crunch on Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn, and all while taking in nine innings of Schenectady Pepsi baseball.

 

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