New Law Seeks to Ban Breaking Up in Starbucks

Congressman Andy Harris (R – Maryland) is seeking to pass legislation that would make couples choosing to break up at Starbucks illegal. The congressman’s agenda has certainly caused a bit of a “brewing” controversy! Get it? Like you brew coffee, and this is Starbucks, and it’s kinda controversial…? Anyway–

Harris has successfully drafted a bill to be presented at the House that would outlaw couples, no matter the length of the relationship, ending their coupling at the popular chain. Throughout the bill are bullet points laying out what successfully qualifies as a breakup and how such a law would be enforced. Some highlights:

  • Beginning a conversation with small talk and segueing into any form of where the relationship is going may qualify as “breakup talk”
  • Introducing any phrasing of the words “just friends” where only one party agrees to a friendship would qualify
  • Raising your voice about knowledge of other men or women currently in the lives of a significant other would qualify

The list goes on and on and some are questioning the bill’s legitimacy.

“This is insane. Who is the government to tell me what is or isn’t a breakup? I think it’s my right to choose who I break up with, how I do it, and where I do it. This is America,” commented one anonymous user on the message board of the website “BernieSandersTits.com” (Disclaimer: This site has no affiliation to Senator Sanders.)

“I think it’s a wonderful bill and I hope it passes through,” said Guns Churchfootball. “I’m sure plenty of liberals think it’s a violation of their rights, but look at it the other way. When I go to Starbucks to use their free wi-fi to look at pictures of tires on the web, the last thing I need is some Millennial dipshits hashing out their emotions, while I’m drinking my coffee.”

“Y’know, just when you think we’re making progress, you hear about something like this and you wonder, How am I going to explain this to my kids?” asked Belinda, a mother of 4. “It’s like, Starbucks is for everyone. I can easily enjoy my Raspberry Dazzleccino, like I do every morning before goat yoga, and not care what other people are doing. Starbucks is meant to be inclusive of everyone, no matter what stage of their relationship they may be in.”

Congressman Harris’ office, though, released a statement:

“Starbucks should be a warm, inviting environment where Americans can enjoy a beverage and room temperature pastry without the burden of a couple’s emotional politics. There are plenty of other locations to publicly break up, like gas stations, the post office, even the circus when it’s in town.”

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