Happy 4th of July to all of our NOSHKONGers out there! In America, the 4th of July is a day we set aside to celebrate our full independence from tyrannical rule, although, something seems a little off this year.
In any case, millions of Americans will take to the grill for charred meats, deliciously salted nitrites, and the occasional weirdo insisting mango belongs on a grill. If you happen to be the grillmaster this year, you’re gonna need to fire up that bad boy. What better way to show your patriotism than by tossing Old Glory over the coals, aye?
It’s quite honestly the most American thing you can do on a day like today, the anniversary of our forefathers signing the Declaration of Independence so that future Presidents can openly mock and destroy its significance. You are an American ain’t ya? Because if you are, you will throw the American flag on your grill today in order to prove it.
You might be asking, “But how will this affect the flavor of my food?” Well, settle down Captain Red Cap. We have it on good authority that nothing brings out the flavor of red meat and whatever the fuck is in hot dogs, quite like a blazing crumple of Stars and Stripes. And if you don’t believe us, maybe it’s because you ain’t a God-fearin’, National Anthem standin’, reality-star votin’, good ol’ Christian American.
Enjoy your day today. Give thanks to what America has given back to you: freedom, liberty, obesity, auto dealership sales, and a crippling anxiety about which foreign superpower will bomb us first. And then, sink into a juicy burger fresh off the grill that was made possible thanks to the burning embers of our very own American flag.
Unless, of course, you ain’t American enough to do that…