Every year on Father’s Day we dig up those old tropes of dads mowing lawns or being lazy, nap-taking pieces of shit. It’s an American tradition no one has time to protest. And we love our dads as much we love their affinity for what can only be known as “Dad Food”.
Dad Food is designed to satisfy the changing palate of a dad, while also helping them poop as their colons become more difficult in old age. The following list of foods are good examples of Dad Food that we celebrate on Father’s Day.
Like, duh! Dads like steak. Some like a well-done steak and some like a steak that’s red enough in the middle to be used as a prop in a horror movie. Also, those criss-cross grill marks seem to give Dads an erection, too.
2. Rice Pudding
Not really sure what’s up with Dads and their love of rice pudding. Maybe it’s because all the better desserts are gone by the time a dad gets to pick one.
3. Brown ‘n Serve Sausage
This is a staple in the Breakfast for Dinner movement that Dads helped spearhead into the mainstream. And it has to be Brown ‘n Serve, which has retailed for a buck ninety-nine since 1983.
Perhaps more of a generational thing, but watching a dad sink his teeth into a mustard and veal guts sandwich is a timeless picture of Dad Life.
5. A burger with the lettuce picked off
Much like a good steak, Dads love their burgers. But y’know what? Get that fuckin’ lettuce outta here. Who in the good Goddamn world does lettuce think it is? Taking up space on dad’s meat Frisbee, and getting in the way of burger juice and ketchup? No thank you, lettuce. Get back to your salad where you belong.
6. Corn (canned or on the cob)
It really doesn’t matter whether you spill a can of corn into a waiting pot with butter, or if you serve it up, right on the cob. Dads love corn because it grows from the ground and, therefore, is a vegetable. Back off doctors. Dads are getting their nutrition.
7. Light beer that was popular 15 years ago because of their weird commercials
Frosty mugs of beer that is so transparent you can still the see TV when you take a sip. That’s the Dad Life.
8. A roll of peppermint Certs in the glove compartment
Hey, Dads gotta keep their breath fresh, too, right? Of course they do. And that handy roll of Certs in the glove compartment is the perfect Dad Food for unexpected meetings with an alimony lawyer.
9. Bean soups
There’s no limit to the amount of bean soups that fall into the Dad Food category. Yankee bean, Black bean, Minestrone, Pasta fagioli…really, it’s endless. And we know Dads need their fiber, so what better way to zing that colon than with a steaming bowl of legumes and broth. Bonus points to Dads who teach their kids that song about beans–a timeless hit that has eluded the Billboard charts for too long.
It’s sweet, it’s gelatinous, and it sounds funny, which is everything Dad Food is supposed to be.
Happy Father’s Day from NOSHKONG