The time-honored tradition of heaving raw chicken against a wall dates back to 1981. Before we had YouTube or memes as a way to submit to apathetic disconnection from society, we threw raw chicken against a wall. Everyone did it and if you didn’t, you were arrested and slapped in the face with a shoe.
As legend goes, the practice was started by a man named Leonard Mailbox. In an effort to kill time while his wife took a shit, Leonard reached into his grocery bags, punctured a package of chicken tenders, and began throwing them against a wall. When asked by a passerby why Leonard was doing this, he replied, “Because you have to throw chicken against a wall” and a new fad was born.
Every year, millions of Americans throw chicken against a wall, despite the Internet’s attempts to take our attention away from it. The following are our 7 best suggestions for taking part:
1. Pretend you’re the starting pitcher for a baseball team no one really gives a crap about, like the Cincinnati Reds. Grab your crotch, spit, and say no to a fake catcher before finally saying yes. Wind up, and let that chicken fly, baby, fly!
2. Load up your favorite shotgun you bought from a WalMart in Arkansas because gun laws don’t exist there, with your favorite chicken part. We highly recommend thigh meat for this one. Take aim, and fire! Glorious raw chicken…all over the walls.
3. Use a slingshot, preferably one you made yourself. A slingshot pretty much ensures you’re chicken will hit the wall at high impact, but with the added bonus that you look insane.
4. Scream your favorite quote from a PIXAR movie, then catapult that raw chicken against the wall like you frikkin’ mean it. Here’s some examples of quotes: “To infinity and beyond!” (Toy Story); “Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems!” (Inside Out); “Eee-vaaaahhh!” (WALL-E)
5. The “Dodgeball” Technique is a favorite of many. It involves a whole, raw chicken and blasting the nearest wall with it like you would your mortal enemy in middle school gym class, then, watching that chicken shatter into a mess that makes you consider becoming a vegan. Incredibly satisfying.
6. Let your creative side run wild. Sometimes it’s not so much about throwing raw chicken against a wall as it is being grateful for the gift of raw chicken and walls that history has delivered us. Try nailing raw chicken to the wall, and throwing an ax at it. That could be fun, yes?
7. The “Leonard Mailbox”. The original, and still the best way to throw raw chicken against a wall. Step 1: Create a life for yourself that makes you question you’re standing in the world on a nightly basis. Step 2: Buy a package of raw chicken. Step 3: Throw that raw chicken against a wall. Step 4: Start a movement.