BREAKING: CDC Issues Recall of that Sandwich You Bought at 3 A.M.

Reports are slowly trickling in of another possible E. coli outbreak. Though local hospitals, clinics, and medical facilities have reported no admissions of persons with E. coli, it is still believed you have it. The source, according to the Center for Disease Control, is that sandwich you bought at 3 in the morning last night from that deli on 11th Street.

The decision to buy the sandwich has many believing that alcohol was involved, as is often the case when choosing the tuna salad sandwich at 3 in the morning from that deli on 11th Street. After an inspection of facilities, officials have reported the tuna salad had been mixed in a bowl previously used to collect water from a ceiling leak. Additionally, the lettuce used was not lettuce, but “a leaf from a tree I walk past every day that has squirrels” according to one of the deli’s owners. 

The CDC released this statement earlier:

If you happen to be experiencing nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, stomach cramps, extreme remorse, doubts about your future, an inability to connect with others in a rational way, and a categorical denial of a set of emotional issues that only you can address, then you should see a doctor immediately.

As for the sandwich you bought last night at 3 in the morning from that deli on 11th street, we recommend wrapping it in plastic cling wrap and setting it on fire.

 

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