What If Chickens Were the Size of Horses?

If chickens were the size of horses they’d beat the shit out of us. They’d be strutting around as usual, then flail their wings and uncontrollably peck at our eyes while we checked Instagram. They wouldn’t eat bird seed or corn or salami. They would eat small children and Volkswagens and the President of the United States because when a chicken is pissed, it is FUCKIN pissed, man.

If chickens were the size of horses then the British woulda won the Revolutionary War because Paul Revere wouldn’t have been able to ride through all the towns screaming to his friends. Instead, Paul Revere woulda mounted a chicken and fallen off and broke two of his vertebrae and be paralyzed and American history would be rewritten and that Beastie Boys song would be different.

If chickens were the size of horses then every time they buh-gocked, it would sound like an ear-piercing war cry and we’d go deaf because they wouldn’t stop. We’d be clutching our ears, running through the streets, screaming for it to end, but it doesn’t.

If chickens were the size of horses we’d name them instead of eat them. We would name them things like “Beak McFeatherton” and “NeckBone Willie” and “The Colonel”. Speaking of which…

If chickens were the size of horses there’d be no Popeye’s or KFC because that’s fuckin’ gross. There’d be no Kentucky Derby, but if there was it’d be complete chaos because the chickens would be fighting each other and the jockeys would get thrown into the stands.

If chickens were the size of horses, think about how big the eggs would be. If you tried to make an omelet, you would drown in the yolk. That’s a terrible way to die. Nothing heroic about it.

If chickens were the size of horses then little girls wouldn’t want a pony growing up. Or maybe they would. I don’t know if I’m qualified to speak about gender issues.

If chickens were the size of horses the food chain would be all fucked up. We’d have to clone more cows, fish for more fish, and spend more money on subscriptions to Porque®–the world’s fastest pork delivery service. It’d be madness.

Let’s be glad chickens aren’t the size of horses.

 

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s