How to Tell If You Are Drinking Red Wine or White Wine

The rewards of a good glass of wine far exceed any other beverage. Wine brings us together–in celebration, in grief, and in that weird phase of life when you’re in your mid-20’s and think it’s time to be “more mature”.

Wine. Nature’s great elixir. At the end of a long day, a good glass awaits. Is it red? Or is it white? Read on as we closely examine the difference.

Red Wine

You may be drinking red wine if the bottle you poured it from is tinted and with an illustration on the label of a village or a barn or some shit. (Some labels are a bit quirkier with skulls or roosters or some sort of symbol that reminds you of yourself). When you sip it, you may notice your teeth developing a purplish film that says to those around you, “Hey, so what if I’m on my 4th glass? It’s healthy for you!” Then, you will recite some half-assed story you heard on the local news about how a glass of red wine a day will reduce your risk of heart disease before biting another mozzarella stick.

You might also be drinking red wine if you are wearing a turtleneck. Others will be wearing large wool scarves, but inevitably, you will claim to be an academic on a subject most closely related to pop culture, which is a bit of an oxymoron. No one cares for your analysis of Better Call Saul and no one else really pays attention to the lyrics of Modest Mouse songs as closely as you do.

The biggest indication you’re drinking red wine, though, is if it’s red in color. This is a dead giveaway.

White Wine

For those who may be wondering, Am I drinking white wine? The answer is, you might be!

If you like to prove you like nice things or that you’re a mature adult, in spite of buying a bottle of wine with cartoon characters on it, there’s a good chance you’re drinking white wine. There might also be a cute name of its origin, like “Cupcake Vineyards”, which you will find adorable and take a picture for Instagram.

A good indication you are drinking white wine is if you’re outdoors and trying to sit in an elegant position on a hard-as-fuck patio chair. Or, you might be indoors listening to a song you recognize from a deodorant commercial while you make that mustard pasta salad you tried at someone’s backyard BBQ party last summer. Most likely, though, you are drinking white wine if when you look at your glass, the wine is the same color of semi-healthy urine.

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