Whole Foods to Begin Accepting Family Heirlooms as Payment

On the heels of its recent acquisition by Amazon, Whole Foods is making headlines once again. Fully aware of its pricing, Whole Foods decided to appeal to consumers in a more unique way, by accepting family heirlooms and possessions as payment.

“We realize our prices are set in a way that dictates the market for all this bullshit. Dried fruit and organic beans are expensive, but that doesn’t mean poor bitches shouldn’t be able to buy it,” said this lady we e-mailed at the corporate HQ for Whole Foods.

“We’ve opened up a brand new payment option that affords these people the opportunity to buy our shit and flaunt our paper bags in public,” she continued. “We will accept precious family heirlooms that have been passed down from generation to generation as a form of payment. We will assign a value on the heirloom based on its rarity and/or sentiment.”

In simpler terms: that autographed Joe DiMaggio baseball your grandfather passed down to you may net you a pound of shiitake mushrooms, while your great-grandmother’s locket with a photo of her rockin’ out in flapper gear can net the same (or similar) amount.

On the other hand, that pair of candlesticks your grandparents never really used, but kept on the table anyway is worth about half a Kit Kat. I mean, c’mon, they never used those things, and even though they are handcrafted out of brass, who really gives a fuck? What’re we gonna do with these things?

There’s no word yet on what Whole Foods plans to do with your family heirlooms, but one insider believes they will use them to burn a fire for a new pizza counter in select stores!

Shopper Cynthia Chung-Schwartz commented on the decision, “I think it’s interesting. Whole Foods is high-quality food, skillfully marketed to people who spend beyond their means. Why shouldn’t others enjoy shopping there? I think being able to eat deliciously healthy and organic food that is quadrupled in price after wholesale is worth some old wedding dress your mother sewed herself in a basement in Europe in the 60’s. It’s not like you’ll ever wear it again. Besides, those with less income need lycopene and steel-cut oats, too.”

Those with less income do, in fact, need lycopene and steel-cut oats, among many other nutrients and vitamins their family heirlooms simply don’t provide. And for those mid-to-high income families that choose to partake…we don’t think Joe DiMaggio is gonna miss that baseball he signed for your granddad during World War 2!

 

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