The planet Earth has announced plans to discontinue food beginning in 2025. In a press release, the planet cited poor production, lack of quality, and competition as the main factors.
“We are saddened to announce that we will no longer be producing food. In recent years we’ve seen the rise of labs, startups, and pseudo-farmers playing God contributing to a landscape that Earth can simply not keep up with. The poor production of our goods has equated to a lack of quality that does not meet the standards of food made by Earth. We simply cannot keep up with the rising levels of consumers, nor the ambitions of technology funded by billionaires who see nothing wrong with eating synthetic salmon, chicken on steroids, or cloned Brussels sprouts, among other examples.
We appreciate your patronage for the past 4.5+ billion years, but all of us at Earth will be slowly phasing out food to spend more time with our families. We anticipate a full turnover of stock and inventory in the year 2025, but until then, we welcome your patronage.”
“This is devastating,” said Phillip Dippshitt, from Earth. “I’ve enjoyed food from Earth for years. It won’t be the same without it, but what can ya do? Times are changing. I guess I can learn to enjoy Meat Product #7745 just as much as I enjoyed food.”
Dippshitt is referring to the line of meat products produced by Chüü, a Silicon Valley startup that has successfully found a way to reproduce beef, chicken, pork, and fish using recycled paper towel rolls.
“I think it’s kinda fucked up, y’know,” said (NAME REDACTED), the CEO of water, a subsidiary of Earth. “I’m all for advancements and progress, but I remember growing up with food and it’ll be hard to move on from it.”
Asked how Earth’s latest decision will affect water, (NAME REDACTED) replied, “We’ll still do our best to bring water to the public, but our future now seems so uncertain.”
For now, food is still available, but will slowly be phased out beginning some time next year.