We Divulge All of Trader Joe’s Secrets

Ever walk into Trader Joe’s and ask, “Hey what’re those bells ringing?” Or maybe you were scoping out all the fun and exciting items and thought, “Who comes up with these silly names for these products??” Have you ever walked the aisles, basket in hand, and asked yourself, “Do I really enjoy feeding my family this crap, or is this an act of psychological egoism wherein I only feel good because I’m the one responsible for it?” Well read on! We’re spilling all of Trader Joe’s secrets!

1. The bells

You’re waiting to check out and you hear bells feverishly rung by the cashier. What in the freakin’ world is that all about??? This place sure is kooky LOL! Turns out those bells are a communication system that coincide with the nautical theme of Trader Joe’s. One bell means “All hands on deck”, two bells means “It’s raining chocolate-covered mermaids” and three bells, well, if you hear three bells then you’re in luck, pal, because an uncharted island of organic chicken has just been discovered! Ahoy!

2. The funny names of products

Who doesn’t love a good pun? With products galore titled with witty Dad jokes, we have the most fun browsing through the aisles for “Shroom for 3” and “Brainwash Fries”. But how do they come up with such hilariously titled groceries? Turns out that’s the work of Dave, some guy who works at corporate HQ fulfilling his parole assignment.

3. The reason everyone is so happy

We’ll be damned if we know why everyone who works there is so happy, but hey! Who are we to turn our heads! It’s refreshing to participate in a retail experience without wondering if if the cashier with a neck tattoo will finally snap. At Trader Joe’s, everyone is happy and maybe it has to do with their hiring, or their training, or maybe life just seems so much better inside those walls.

4. The initiation

All who pass must endure The Initiation. There is no shortcut to the Enchanted Kingdom of Divinity. We all shall Be, but before we Are, we must Do. You shall sip from the goblet of the Guardians and as you slowly swallow The Heat of Eternity, only those who display grace in the demonic face of The Darkness may proceed.

5. The dues

Your dues are what guarantee your place. Pay your dues. Free yourself from the burdens of The Righteous. They will scrape and gnaw at your flesh, and you will submit your past life so that it may be burned and erased in the name of the Enchanted Kingdom of Divinity.

6. The Sacrifice to the Holy Spirit and God Below

Sacrifice the flesh which gives you sight! You must atone! Atone for your stained soul, your bleak heart, your given name of which has no meaning!! You must cross over!!! CROSS OVER!!!

7. The ties to Scientology

(PASSAGE REDACTED)

8. The Hawaiian shirts!

So who are these folks in the Hawaiian shirts, right? Well, it turns out the select few who don the floral button downs are called “Mates” and they are there to help! Test their product knowledge, ask for recommendations, and have fun! That’s what Trader Joe’s is all about!

 

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