In a stunning new report, the beluga caviar industry witnessed a staggering decline in sales. In 2009, during the Recession, sales of beluga caviar were steady at 90 kajillion dollars. However, as recently as October 2016, beluga caviar sales were down to just 14 billion dollars. One reason? “Those fuckin’ Millennials,” said Ed, a guy that I bumped into as I left my apartment this morning.
Millennials are gathering a reputation for radically changing the way America spends its money, saves its money, and has its money ripped from their bloody hands by a government controlled by corporate interests and men in hidden rooms. This latest finding proves that we may be moving on from the heyday of beluga caviar.
“Yeah, I don’t know. Personally, I don’t wanna eat fish eggs, but also, if I am, I’m gonna reach for generic or store-brand caviar because, like, I don’t know,” remarked online commenter LeeJeansDiabetes on the forum “Unemployed and Angry”.
Although banned in America since 2005, beluga caviar still found it’s way on to the plates, and in the mouths, and in the tum-tum, and through the intestinal tract, and out the puckered asshole of some of the wealthiest eaters. Millennials, and their spending power, are not having any of it.
“There’s just no need for beluga caviar,” my younger niece texted me, “Right?”
The attitudes of Millennials seem to favor less extravagant appetizers. This contributes to the demise of the beluga caviar industry. But beluga caviar may make a comeback, and that’s what husband and wife team Danny & Shoshanna Truzang believe, as evidenced by their artisanal caviar startup “It’s Roe-Time!” The couple, ages 33 and 29, have been appearing at Farmer’s Markets, food halls, and Caviar-Con, the world’s largest gathering of “Cav Heads”, to sell their product.
“Beluga caviar isn’t going anywhere, and despite the fact that Millennials aren’t buying it, doesn’t mean it isn’t the most delicious fuckin’ thing on a Triscuit when you’re hammered at 3 in the morning,” said Shoshanna before my phone died and I lost the rest of the interview.
Who knows what the future holds? No, seriously, this isn’t a rhetorical question. Does anyone know where we’re headed. I mean, great, young people aren’t eating beluga caviar because it feels like salty Pop Rocks in your mouth and it costs the same amount of a cancer treatment for an ounce, but honestly…where are we headed as a civilization? Will all of our food one day be created in a lab? Why do we keep wanting to go to Mars so bad? What’s going on with Earth? What’s happening? (sigh)
My niece continued to text: “It just kinda sounds gross. Why would you eat that? It’s like you’re eating a seafood abortion, Unc (vomit face emoji).”