The 11 Most Anticipated Potatoes This Spring

Potato season is year-round on our calendars! As the snow melts and the depression becomes less of an excuse and more of a warning, we can’t help, but get excited about these dishes. Keep your “eyes peeled” for our best “spuds” and remember: the Universe is vast and vacuous and we are merely biding our time before entering the void. See ya “tater”!

1. Tater Tots 

Our list begins with a classic dish that’s as American as botched plastic surgery. Tater tots have long been a staple alongside burgers and hot dogs, or smothered in fluorescent cheese sauce as a meal on their own! Forever in the shadow of french fries, but never lost in our hearts, we can’t wait to slam our faces into a basket of tater tots this spring.

2. Hash Browns 

A heaping helping of slivered potatoes, fried to a brown crisp, then served up with eggs at 4 in the morning just before you barf up your tequila is incredibly underestimated. Sure, there’s always home fries, but with hash browns you can easily shovel them into your mouth and bury emotions quicker.

3. Norwegian Potato Salad  

So what exactly is Norwegian-style potato salad? Why is it taking the underground dining circuit by storm? Some might say it’s because of the delicate blend of hard boiled eggs, Yukon golds, capers, and fresh mayonnaise. Yet others might say it’s a code word for heroin and that’s probably what it really is since we just made up those ingredients in the previous sentence.

4. Yam Chunks  

What’s the difference between sweet potatoes and yams? Fuck, who cares? Are you really that lacking in conversations with your friends? Good God, it all tastes the same. Stop being a weirdo, chunk up some yams, and have a good-ass time doing what you do for Pete’s sake…

5. Soaked Russet Shards 

This was a recipe passed down from a prison guard in New Hampshire in 1944 and it’s held up pretty well over the years. Simply take a Russet potato and stab it with your favorite pencil until you end up with a pile of shards. Next, soak those bad boys in cold water for 11 minutes and voila! You’ve got yourself a new favorite snack to munch on when you’re watching your favorite episode of American Pickers.

6. Scalding Hot Mashed Potato Puddles 

The potatoes MUST be scalding. A burned mouth is the key to this dish in order to numb the struggle of being human, so just get the fuck outta here if you’re not gonna follow the rules.

7. Beverly Hills Tots 

The secret to Beverly Hills Tots is that you need to be in Beverly Hills when you throw them at passing cars and screaming “THERE IS A CLASS WAR GOING ON AND WE ARE BEING CONTROLLED BY MEN IN HIDDEN ROOMS!!!!!!11”

8. Skinned Potato Balls 

The delectable skinned potato ball is one surefire way to take in the beach air on a Sunday afternoon, as you slowly drift away in your thoughts, and wonder if your kids’ father will ever return home.

9. Humped Potatoes 

Potatoes that have been humped one way or another. Who the fuck knows? It’s Springtime and everyone’s a bit randy.

10. Cod Poutine 

The classic Canadian comfort food collides head-on with what’s probably, like, the 3rd best fish from the Atlantic Ocean. We’re not so sure why the brown gravy, cheese curds and french fries of traditional poutine blends together so well with flaky, 2-days-from-being-spoiled Atlantic cod and quite frankly, we don’t wanna find out. This shit is like what people convince themselves is good when they’re high. It’s included on our list because no one’s really editing this for tonal purposes.

11. More Tater Tots, But This Time with Paprika or Some Other Shit on Top

Yeah! Who wouldn’t love more tater tots! But check this out: this time, they’re sprinkled with paprika on top, so now they are cultured food. Or…wait! What if we made onion dip with that soup mix and sour cream, then shmeared that nonsense all over the tots? You think that would be good? Wait wait! I got it! Let’s do bacon and a fried egg and call ‘em Tots & Prayers.

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