On Thursday, some guy whose name I forgot took to the podium at McDonald’s corporate headquarters in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. After yammering on and on about global sales and addressing a story about some kid who fell into the fryer in Texas, he mentioned a big announcement.

Beginning this summer, McDonald’s will introduce its very first No Self-Control Menu. In an effort to keep pace with other fast food giants who, let’s face it, are making McDonald’s look pathetic, the restaurant chain will roll out a menu of items that cater to your weakness and addiction.

Among the items: A burger that is sandwiched between two cheesecakes called the McDiabetes. Another item features three full buckets of french fries fed to you by your high school gym teacher as he berates you. And yet another item is a milkshake that blends together a bit of every failed McDonald’s sandwich throughout their history including: the McDLT, the Big ‘n Tasty, the Arch Deluxe, and even hints of that Szechuan sauce that all those kids with Aspergers seem to like.

“With our new No Self-Control Menu”, some lady in a shitty pantsuit said, “we hope to provide our customers with the same quality food McDonald’s is known for, but without any remorse, guilt or improvement in overall lifestyle.”