Everything You Need to Start Your Watermelon-Punching Hobby This Summer

It’s summertime, and the livin’s easy! We’re gearing up for another season of sun, fun, sunburn, hormones, road trips, and drunkenly barfing up that 4th hot dog, but most importantly of all: summer hobbies!

Some people like to fly drones, some take on an ever-growing list of books to read, and others like to use their time punching watermelons. It’s a fairly recent trend that dates back to the summer of 2006 when a group of dads at the Watermelon Festival of Small Town, Virginia began punching watermelons. As the practice rose in popularity, so, too, did its participants.

So how does one get started punching watermelons? It’s simple! All you need are the following:

Watermelons – If it seems like this is obvious it’s because it is. You need watermelons in order to punch watermelons. Without the watermelons, you’d be punching something else, or nothing at all, and that is not how this works.

Fists – Yeah, again, you’re gonna need fists. And they can’t just be any fists. They need to be your fists because when it comes to punching watermelons, it’s ultimately about your fists.

A towel – Punching watermelons is not for the faint of heart. It gets messy and flesh gets everywhere. Do yourself a favor and have a super absorbent towel on hand. You’ll need it to sop up all the juice and regret you just splayed all over the floor like a Goddamn psycho who punches watermelons.

Misplaced anger – The higher the amount you have the better, and major bonus if it’s unhealthy. If you’re wonderfully enraged the world fails to see you for the amazing person you are, then yeah, that works. If you willfully point the finger at a large group of people for your own shortcomings, that’s incredible. And hey, why not, if you’ve carried all the mistakes your parents may have made with you into adulthood with no real attempt at forgiveness, then perfect. You will enjoy punching watermelons.

A complete lack of understanding of circumstances – Being a unique individual ain’t easy. You should know (wink wink). Rules are for fools and you can use this to begin your watermelon punching hobby. Does it matter these are watermelons? Or that you’re in a supermarket? At a party? In someone’s field? Na, of course not. Outcomes never matter because one time you read a book about living in the moment. Punch away!

Clean clothes – Punching watermelons is pretty grueling. You’re gonna get a little tuckered out in the end from all the physical activity and emotional projection. Be sure to have a change of clothes so you can have a nice rest afterward. You might even feel at peace for an hour or so.


Move Over Salt Bae! And Meet Pickled Relish Bae!

Remember the man known for his signature sprinkling of salt over meat? Do you remember the meme that captured our hearts for a moment in time back in 2017? Do you remember Nusret Gökçe, the viral sensation known as Salt Bae? Well, that guy is staler than a bag of open chips during a Honolulu heat wave.

Introducing….Pickled Relish Bae. Continue reading →

A Salute to Dad Food

Every year on Father’s Day we dig up those old tropes of dads mowing lawns or being lazy, nap-taking pieces of shit. It’s an American tradition no one has time to protest. And we love our dads as much we love their affinity for what can only be known as “Dad Food”.

Dad Food is designed to satisfy the changing palate of a dad, while also helping them poop as their colons become more difficult in old age. The following list of foods are good examples of Dad Food that we celebrate on Father’s Day.

1. Steak Continue reading →

For One Day Only, Dunkin Donuts Will Let Customers Watch the Donuts Defrost

It’s a promotion unlike any other. Thousands of Dunkin’ Donuts will be participating and customers will have the opportunity of a lifetime. In the past, we heard “Time to Make the Donuts”, but today–the doughnuts are made, frozen, ready to ship, and thawed to perfection. Continue reading →

Dog Forks!™ The Only Way to Feed Your Dog.



Dogs — loyal companions, best friends, and lacking opposable thumbs. We love our dogs as much as dogs love us back, but when it’s mealtime? Our dogs are on their own. We slam a bowl of beef-flavored cornstarch pellets in front of them as if to say, “Have at it Sparky! I’ll just be in the other room, waiting for my dog to finish eating, so I can feel something again!”

Well, guess what? Those days are over. Continue reading →